On Friday morning, I was recorded on a university podcast to talk about the subject of folklore and mythology.
I was internally freaking out quite a bit particularly since it was going to be in Bahasa Melayu; I was worried I didn’t have quite the expansive academic vocabulary to fit my complex thoughts on the subject but I think I didn’t do too badly and there were only a handful of awkward pauses. I also freaked out because even though I’ve been interviewed before on podcasts, on the radio and for the newspaper, none of them were live recordings with cameras. One was via Skype, another was on the phone, and others were just lists of questions that I answered by recording myself. So, this new experience was definitely out of my comfort zone but I’m really glad I did it! I think I’m probably not going to watch the video because I’d probably freak out even more!
For the podcast, I did a bit of a deep dive back into books that I’ve left aside for quite awhile (because my main research interests have diverged quite a bit), and that had me returning to my thoughts/readings on folk horror and various classical epics. I don’t know where I’m headed with these thoughts but I tend to allow both my creative and intellectual imperatives to jive with each other. I’m interested to see where this leads both creatively and academically speaking — when I’ve got the time and space to process. But the main reason I’m talking about this is because I said something that I’m still thinking about. I was asked which was my favourite local legend and I mentioned Puteri Gunung Ledang because she was such a powerful woman, but there’s a duality in the way she’s been portrayed.
More importantly, although her beauty was supposed to be beyond compare, she was also gleefully not afraid to be ugly and some versions had her disguised as a Nenek Kebayan (our version of the witch/crone). My lifelong fascination with the figure of “ugly” women in folklore and mythology has ranged from Kemp Owyne’s monstrous love to the many versions of the Loathly Lady. I even wrote an essay about the Loathly Lady and The Wife of Bath’s Tale for the book edition of Scheherazade’s Bequest vol. 1 back when I was on the Cabinet des Fees editorial team. I found the tales empowering because since teenhood I’d always been told I was ugly, hideous etc (combination of abuse/gaslighting and societal bias) because of my size. It was only sometime in my late 20s that I realised I was actually a normal human being with a not-ugly face, and that my main sin was in being considerably bigger than normal. But before that, I always derived comfort in stories like Laidronette (who appears in Watermyth and even more so in Rosemirror) and other fairytale heroines who were “ugly”. Of course, in real life, the “big reveal” rarely happens and sometimes it is not wanted/needed. While people would think I’d be unhappy about my lack of attractiveness, I’ve always been quite internally gleeful about my “disguise” because it kept me safe (spoiler: not a disguise — at some point you need to love the body you’ve been given and come to terms with it, warts and all).
Needless to say, the Loathly Lady delighted me, and the ways in which Puteri Gunung Ledang bedevilled would-be suitors by appearing in multiple forms fascinated me (I just wish someone would accept/publish my novella so readers can see what I’ve done with the legend, heh). It’s the same reason why I am fascinated by the monstrous feminine and how empowering it can be to have figures like that — yes, even the scary ones! I also mentioned on the podcast that I think our fascination with the Pontianak is not just because she is scary but because she’s also such a tragic and romantic figure, containing the same dualities you see in Puteri Gunung Ledang but to a more monstrous degree. I also think both stories reveal how much people fear powerful women and the kernel of monstrosity they assume/perceive. There’s also a fear of older women in some of these stories as may be seen in the Loathly Lady. In my essay for Scheherazade’s Bequest I touched on some scholars who mentioned that the “Loathly” aspect of her appearance could also be aspect of a woman’s appearance when she reaches a certain age.
Now that I am in my 50s and have grown into my Crone phase I’ve been contemplating self-image a lot vis-a-vis, how does one grow old “gracefully” and is there ever a need for that?
This thought goes hand in hand with my pondering of what people may consider “late in life” art and writing. We write things differently when we are older and less angry, and a little less hungry. I won’t say I don’t bleed on the page anymore, but maybe I bleed a little less. Living with the degree of emotional intensity I had when I was younger was…exhausting. And while I revelled in my “disguise”, there was also a need to be perceived that I never acknowledged. I acknowledge it now because I no longer have that intense need. I’ve been meandering around that epistemic absence and wondering how one exists in that stage when it’s so draining. Ergo, the push-pull of attraction or the need to be attractive/desired. It does complicate the writing because I feel very distanced from things I considered relevant when I was younger but on the other hand I’ve been inspired on a daily basis lately with new ideas, concepts and themes I’d like to play around with when I am writing (or have the time to write). I suppose I’ve come to the conclusion that this “late in life” writing may be more rewarding than I thought it would be when I was younger. Because in writing as with many other things, there’s a kind of freedom in not being afraid to be ugly, not being afraid or hampered by imperfections. It’s far more important to do the thing. Write the stories, make the art, and compose the music. And exist for the sheer pleasure of the living and the making of things.
Next up, a guest lecture on the Gothic at another university in November. This has really been quite the year for me and speaking engagements! Four! Earlier this year I was Distinguished Speaker at a hybrid conference in India — I’m turning that Capitolocenic paper into an article to lob at a bucket list journal. I was also asked to do another talk at my research centre a couple of months back. Despite my introversion, awkwardness and anxiety I actually find myself quite enjoying these engagements because I get to talk about things that are my passion to different people. That’s always fun and it helps me re-focus myself as a scholar after spending countless hours teaching and supervising.
I’ve had another working weekend thanks to audit small committee matters (checking a whole lot of folders and files with my ever-present checklists), trying to catch up supervision stuff plus research grant stuff. I also got all snug and cozy (it’s the perfect weather for it!) with Stardew Valley, and reading books. I’m more about cozy things than spooky things these days but I thought I would herald the closing of spooky season with a spooktacular movie night. I never got around to watching Sinners because I was waiting for a special occasion. This weekend was appropriate for it and oh my. I loved Sinners so much! The music, the folklore (I wasn’t expecting an intersection with my various folklore/folk horror and mythology nerderies), the gorgeous cinematography and the acting! I think I am going to be watching it again very soon. I also started watching Wuthering Heights but had to stop because of aforementioned work stuff. The wistful plan was a movie marathon of all the spooky/monstrous movies I’ve been meaning to watch. It did not happen this weekend but it may happen next weekend? I think I’m also throwing in a rewatch of Vertigo because the theme has been earworming me all week!
I’m really pleased with myself in relation to various things I’ve achieved this year. I also promised myself I would be more adventurous than I’ve been since the pandemic and my spine injury. I’m not exactly super-adventurous but all the small adventures add up and although I still live with daily chronic pain, I have better mobility mostly because I’m learning how to manage physical limitations. The end result of these forays: I’ve had more ideas and creative inspiration this year than I’ve had in a very long time and that’s very exciting! I just wish I had enough time to make all of them properly manifested in words, in music notes, in colours.
And that’s it for this week! Oh, and I have another publication coming out at some point. My cyberpunk Gorgon short story. I’ll put up my publication notes for that once it is published. It’s obviously another overlap between my academic side and my creative side — my interest in the monstrous feminine. Which brings this rambling post full circle, I guess.*
Till the next blog post,
xx
Anita
*There’ll be more of these rambling posts going forward because if I’m to do weekly updates I need to not overthink these things. Also, I’m likely going to be away from socmed for way longer than initially planned. Life’s good, and I’d like to keep it that way. The moment I deactivated I heaved a sigh of deep relief. And this scratchy, exposed feeling I’ve been suffering for weeks slowly subsided. That told me a lot. I’m sleeping better and I’m living better. I think that’s worth more than a whole lot of things.