I’m still befuddled that we’ve reached November. The year seemed to have galloped past while I was busy doing a whole lot of things. I’ve achieved a lot in terms of my academic goals for the year but it is the nature of yearly assessments and past experiences that I am always in a state of fear/anxiety about the other shoe dropping. Because, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Nevertheless, I am satisfied with my progress and hope to meet (and hopefully exceed) this year’s productivity every year until I retire around 8+ years from now. I’ll never achieve my grand academic goals, not at this age. But I can still aim for other things like meeting my own personal standards and I aim to be excellent by my own standards every year so I will not be disappointed in myself when I retire. That’s all we can do, really. The same things go for my life as an author, a musician, and a visual artist (which is extra stressful to think about lately since I need to make/illustrate my own book covers and time is at a premium). We really can’t control the reception to our work or the variables that lead to success (particularly for the less social and likeable amongst us). But we can and should focus on how to improve ourselves and our craft. To remain open to improvement and self-betterment. But not at the expense of that sense of self and self-identity. That’s what I hold on to, particularly because there are many pathologically controlling sorts out there who like to make of other people projects — even when unwarranted. My advice to people in this biz is to identify which aspects should be improved upon and which should not. As the old adage goes, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. And always, always be true to yourself and your goals in life.
In November, I was hoping to focus on the postcolonial Gothic novel I want to lob at agents next year. I started this novel in 2018 when my Dad passed and I was in a deep state of bereavement. I made several field trips to Penang for ongoing articles and a research project, and while there wrote this story which weaves in several strands of my Laneverse stories (which have been published in Strange Horizons, The Dark and Podcastle). It was also the year in which I intensified my hauntology research (I’ve been obsessed with hauntology since I came across it both musically and academically as a PhD scholar circa 2009-2010). In that stage of deep grief, I understood more acutely that condition of spectrality and of being the daughter haunted by, if not the ghost, the memory of the father. There really isn’t much of my father in the novel itself except insofar some of the places in the novel are places we frequented when I was growing up in Penang. It’s a novel about ghosts and the identities that are inflicted upon us, and the ones that we choose. There are a lot of liminal people in this liminal novel but also a lot of cozy scenes, found family and adventure. Like most of my novels/stories, they’re quite high concept. I can’t help that. It’s who I am. I try to simplify things but they tend to get complex. Nevertheless, I think the structure is the strength of this novel. It’s tighter than other things I’ve written and more character-driven.
I’m hoping to get some serious work done on that novel during this mid-semester break so that I can meet my 2027 goal. After that, it’s back to Rosemirror. Although, I am working on Rosemirror even this month because I’m not able to stop thinking about the world of the Cantata of the Fourfold Realms. The main focus will be on the postcolonial Gothic novel, though. Spoiler: They’re actually connected. Laneverse and the Cantata!
These days are a welcome reprieve. I’ve had a string of working weekends and I really need to decompress/re-regulate. Nevertheless, I’m also working on a research grant proposal (so it’s not really a work-free weekend) and a peer-review I owe a journal (who have been really lovely to work with so I always do peer reviews for them). I’m also catching up on my embroidery and am cooking up a storm, which tends to happen during the difficult times of the year. This is one of them because I think about my father and miss him more acutely around this festive season. Some years are easier than other years. This is not one of those years. Inexplicably, I’ve been thinking about my father a lot, lately. I even had a dream when we were going around looking at real estate and very weird/eldritch architecture was on display.
I am grateful that I can cook, can embroider, and have multiple skills because they see me through the rough periods. I’ve always been equally a “doing” and “thinking” person. When the thinking makes life difficult for me, I always find hearts-ease in the practical, everyday stuff. Also, I’m not too shabby a cook. So, delicious ways of coping work for me.
Now, if only I could vanquish my current musical block. I guess my brain has been so intensely focused on teaching, academic red tape and research that I need to slowly refocus myself so I can be in a more musical state of mind. Not to mention hit the word count on the Penang novel.
I’ll get there, Insya-Allah.
Till the next blog post!
xx
Anita
ps: There are new posts over at Bibliotheca Luminis and Growing Fins. I’ll also likely update Growing Fins again in the next few days with the things I’ve been watching. Today, it’s Lupin season 4 which I am watching with such delight now that my proficiency in French is slightly improved. It’s really magical when another language suddenly becomes so understandable that you don’t realise you know what they’re saying before you look at the subtitles! Although it’s not super helping with the “I miss my father” vibes, if you know what I mean.