Any music nerd of a certain age group and musical persuasion will likely be earwormed by “November Rain” this monsoon season. This holds true for me, invoking all of the nostalgia feels. Which is quite nice. I don’t mind growing old because I’m a Gen-X music-nerd and SFF-nerd which means we get the best of both worlds.
It is true though that the older some of us grow, some things become less relevant. For instance, the notion of profit and getting rich as an author. I was like any other young aspiring author back in the day, thinking that one day my books would “make it big” and I would get filthy rich writing the things that I love. One of those things is still true. I love writing and it remains my passion, my raison d’etre. But profit? Not so much.
Between 2021-2023, I earned 0 for my writing (and therefore did not have to pay taxes). But Watermyth came out in 2024 which resulted in (so far) three royalty payments, all of which were taxed both on the US end (through D2D) and on the Malaysia end. I’m not sure when my fourth royalty payment will hit but definitely not this year because all up I’ve only made USD38.92 this year out of royalties and 30% of that will be taxed on the US end. I’m guessing the fourth royalty payment will happen only after Rosemirror is published in late 2027 and hopefully there will be sales from people waiting for the sequel.
Honestly, Watermyth has not even hit the RM5000/- mark but the good news is that it is in the black by a minuscule amount.
I did however make some money from my writing this year! That’s from two short story sales and one poetry sale (Strange Horizons, so pro-rated). The grand amount after deductions from Paypal and the bank? RM329.25 (USD80.57 although the actual amount sent to me was a bit more but we have to factor in the deductions). I’m of course going to declare all that for my taxes and things will be deducted there also so guess how little I’ll have made this year?
They say money isn’t everything but I am suspecting those who say this have not had to shoulder the burden of the day-to-day expenses on their own nor have to do the mathematics of how much is required to survive after retirement when you’re long in the tooth, alone and shouldering multiple disabilities. I think about all of these things and the fact that my day job pays me far more than my creative life ever will. I think about the fact that being very visible online or very perceived is bad not just for my health and my sensitive nature, but for my job overall. I think about how exhausting it is to be “on” all the time, and how all of my social media postings for the year were worth USD38.92 (before taxes). I also think about how much being “perceived” injures my soul and keeps me from doing the things I want to do.
Between February-June, I deactivated my accounts. I got a lot done and I was happy. Between June-October, I was relatively happy catching up with my online community. That part was good. The being visible part, not so much. I’m writing all this because I’m thinking about the expectations that creative sorts need to extrovert and externalise themselves in order to sell their work and make profit, these days. I think about the kind of connections you need in order to be able to have that blessed balance of introversion and profit (vis-a-vis Elena Ferrante). And I think about what I want in my life as an author.
To write? Always. I can’t imagine not writing, nor making music, nor making art. To profit? I think I’ve gently given up on that dream although I’m still aiming for traditional publishing and an agent from next year onwards. I’d be lying if I said that this was not really about money. Money is about 30% of that equation for me. But mostly, I’m aiming for impact and for people to take my writing more seriously. I’m lucky that I do have some tradpub credits (in anthologies) and I have been a professional short fiction author and poet since 2015. But the majority of people look down on indie authors and I know that some doors will remain closed to me if I stick to my indie guns. I’ll still remain hybrid and the Cantata books will remain indie (unless I receive an offer that respects my autonomy in relation to serial rights, then I will consider it for the sake of book distribution and what’s best for readers) — but at the end of the day this is why I will diversify. If I’m not going to be making huge profit either way, I should at least give my writing the chance it deserves to be fairly assessed and evaluated. I’m not about to self-impose a glass ceiling on my writing (or any aspect of my life/career, tbh). Plenty of people willing to do that for us, we don’t need to help them by selling ourselves short.
But the problem with going tradpub or doing anything that requires more visibility (yes, including my commitments/obligations to people who publish my short stories and poems) is that we do need to put ourselves out there and expose ourselves to various perceptions regardless of how harmful that feels to us. I’ve no solutions for this but I’m going to cling territorially to these precious few months (or year!) of not being out there.
I don’t mind writing these blog posts, to be clear. It’s nice to share my thoughts on a space owned by me rather than some social media website.
*same story for my salary btw; for those in my income bracket, we make less than 11 months a year in terms of salary after all the monthly deductions. Not a complaint, just a statement of my obligations as a citizen. And as a Muslim, I also allow for monthly Zakat deductions.
It’s been a quiet weekend although I managed to accidentally stub two of my toes on Friday evening (I was very tired and sleepy) when I got home from work; I tripped and narrowly escaped falling down. I’m still unsure if I broke anything (it isn’t terribly painful but the toes are being odd), so I’ve just stayed in and rested. Still undecided if I want to go through the hassle of getting an x-ray tomorrow.
This is the first weekend in weeks that I have not done any academic work. Weeks! Maybe since September.
I’ve read, caught up on housework vis-a-vis straightening out the accumulated bachelorette clutter, played Stardew Valley, worked on my chess strategy, and watched my favourite shows. Which is quite a glorious way to spend a rainy weekend, I think. I’m also still thinking about my Saturday night comfort meal which has been a go-to for me since my latch-key kid days in the 80s — having to cook my own meals after school. My more elevated version of this last night: boiled veg (potatoes, peas, cabbage, leek) and sausage (smoked chicken frankfurters). When I was a kid, it would be boiled chicken franks, peas, potatoes and carrots in plain water. As an adult, I added some bouillon and aromatics. To the beautiful broth that was a result of that, I added tomatoes, macaroni, cream, and mashed up one of the baby potatoes. Et voila, I got a gorgeous macaroni soup for Sunday brunch (I made some cheesy garlic toast to go with it).
I’m planning on eating more boiled or parboiled vegetables for the next two weeks as I’m trying to ease back into a more healthy diet. Been a bit over-indulgent lately. Stress and grief-eating, you know. But I’m on the other side of that now and my diet has regulated itself on its own.
So that’s my lovely, cozy weekend despite the sad toe situation.
Things I have achieved this week:
- Short story acceptance! Here’s my post about selling “Thrushbeard in Chains” to Kaleidotrope! One of the highlights of this week!
- Got over my article writing/editing burnout so I’ve returned to working on articles this week and other supervision matters.
- Submitted an external grant submission. That’s three external grants I’ve applied for this year. Hoping to send in a fourth but that depends on health/fatigue levels. Since grant submission #4 is for what I call my “White Whale” grant, I might wait for 2027 so I can give it the full attention it deserves.
- As mentioned, I got my first poetry payment since 2020. And it’s a pro payment (USD50). Squee. I also got a rough estimate of when the poem will be published (next year). Definitely calling this an achievement and it was the second highlight of my week!
- Third highlight of the week: Finally entering my most recent academic publication into the system and seeing the beautiful, crispy numbers that told me that I not only maxxed out my academic publication requirements for the year, I exceeded it. First time in my entire academic career so that really means something to me. Determined to keep working this hard and keeping this momentum (while also protecting my health and sanity) until I retire. Because it’s been so good for my self-confidence and sense of self.
I wish I could say I got enough fiction written but alas, see above! I hope to have more progress to write about next weekend. For now, I rest and read.
Till the next blog post,
xx
Anita